If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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