remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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