my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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