Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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