just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
