i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
