I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
