i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
