when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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