i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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