Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
