This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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