I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
