You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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