Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I have so many feelings about this burrito
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
