i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
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