maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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