I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
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I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
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He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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