Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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