it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
