I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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