I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
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