remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
