Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
