see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
