Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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