dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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