Jerry, you need to find god
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
