I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
