i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
