Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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