I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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