Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
