I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize