I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
