Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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