proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
