Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
