Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
