Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
