I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
