the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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