who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
