I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
