she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize