A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
