Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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