mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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