My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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