I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
