Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
