Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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