Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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